I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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