Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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