Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
