hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Randomize
