There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
