i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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