Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
