I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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