I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
