Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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