I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
