we have pet lesbian snakes
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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