The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Randomize
