I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
