Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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