when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
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She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
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I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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