So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
