Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
