i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
