she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
