She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
