your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
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