so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
