why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
