im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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