i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Randomize
