Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
