I skipped work to stalk him.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
