Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
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You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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