1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
