She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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