That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
