So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Randomize
