That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
