i think i have two assholes
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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