i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Randomize
