am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
