her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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