She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
