is your mom at the bar?
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
