Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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