I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
