i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Randomize
