i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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