he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
