when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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