I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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