she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
