I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
