i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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