I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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