there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
