Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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