Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
