I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
