i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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