Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
