Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
