dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
