I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
