By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
The police scanner is talking about you again....
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
