every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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