she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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