All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
