So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Randomize
